My dearest, darling you,
I miss our friendship, and I didn’t know how to tell you until today. As a 28 year old woman, I've learned how to cope through apathy. Through the years, I have had many friends, relationships, family, etc drop off or fade away. When I was three, my mother had to pry my arms out from around my grandmother, and she put me in the car, sobbing and drove me to our new home in Chicago. I vividly remember this heartache and I remember the following weeks how I woke up with this feeling weighing down on me. I remember how I felt when my first boyfriend dumped me. When my first best friend moved away. When my mom and dad got divorced. I remember each loss. Looking back it felt like putting on a corset. The first few times, it knocks the air out of you, it hurts your ribs, and you walk around in pain, but over time, you learn to breathe through it, the pain fades, and you become numb to it all. It is part of growing up right? Learning not to cry and overreact? With each new demise, I became less surprised, and more aware that this is just how things are, and the way the world works. People come and go, friendships fade, relationships wither, and family lets you down. Such is life.
However, this year-2016- is the year of my emotional awakening, and I am slowly but surely learning that the little girl that I learned to tune out long ago is still inside of me, and that her feelings are valid, and I wanted you to know the same thing.
I miss you. I want to be your friend. I want us to talk and be there for one another. I want you to know that you have someone in your corner. Now, I know what you’re going to say: “I am in a weird place right now,” or “I don’t want to bother you with my problems” or something else else along those lines, but I want you to know, that I have problems too. I constantly find myself in weird places, without even an ounce of an idea how to navigate them. And even more than those things, I am lonely. I know you're lonely too, and I know that we have learned as women, and as humans in general, to cure that loneliness with crutches, vices, and men (or women). But it is in the hearts and hands of a really great friend, that all of those things can be dealt with…together. I want to be that friend for you. I understand if you do not want to be my friend, like I said, loss is a part of life, and people change, but I want you to know that if you do…so do I.
I know that in this time, friendship can often look like a thumbs up on a status update, or a bunch of heart emojis in a comment under a picture, but it is more than that. I also realize that nothing lasts forever, and that our very existence proves that, but why exist on our own, worrying about not worrying our friends with our worries? WORRY ME! Call me and cry, come over and pace around my living room, text me when something funny happens. Tell me something brave you did today. Tell me what is making your heart heavy. That is what friends are for, y'all. Friendship is work, and love is a verb, and I choose both, and you are worth it. You are worth the stress, potential heartache, inconvenience, and worry, because you are my friend and I mean that, and I love you and I mean that too.
You don’t have to be alone if you don’t want to be. I am so ready to be your friend.